Discipline... The Dreaded Parental Responsibility...

Oh you day dream as a child about the day you will finally be free of discipline and be able to make your own decisions... well its great until you have kids yourself. Then you realize that the other side of discipline is worse. Because you have to make the heart wrenching decision to allow your kids to suffer consequences from bad choices - pretty much daily. All the while knowing you could easily rescue them or let them off - ending the suffering. But that wouldn't be true love would it? I don't believe so because one day when they're 35 and embezzling money from their employer or abandoning their family - who's really to blame but the parent who never effectively got across to the child that bad decisions always = bad consequences. That's the hard part - the "always". When we're tired or just mentally worn down from a particularly willful child on a day when they really want to see if you can be broken. These are the days that make or break your success in child training for the long haul. The kid who wins on these days seem to then casually forget everything you've worked so hard to instill in them about obeying their parents "always". They realize they have power and can sometimes win in combat with "the man" who's keeping them down. They realize that you can be broken... And the willful child you had... becomes 10 times more willful - the taste of victory too sweet to let go easily. Its mentally challenging more than anything. We have 2 completely different children - our daughter almost 6 is mostly respectful and obedient - cares what we think. Our 3 year old son just seems to make sport of pushing our buttons. Yep he's apparently going to be our life's work. I don't have any amazing revelations just yet but consistency and accountability are not surprisingly key so far. I suspect he's playing with our heads though. He'll change the game on us as soon as we've figured this one out.
We want him to follow rules because he wants to - not because somebody is watching him... there's a huge difference. What incredible pressure as a parent! If we fail in our strategy to have him own his responsibilities as a human being, a Christian, a member of our family... then he will likely be vulnerable as an adult to suffering a lot of serious consequences based on a belief that accountability only happens when you get caught. Mind you he's only 3 so I'm sure that my paranoia could be put off a few years - but all the same we absolutely have to be successful now if we're going to have any hope of being successful in years to come. So we tell ourselves daily - don't give up, don't let down your guard - no matter how sad the face, how sweet the "sorry" - bad consequences only work if they always follow bad decisions. We have seen it time and again and the funny thing is that if you're consistent and calm the kids don't hold any resentment towards you. As the parents we're just carrying out the justice part and we can extend mercy on the level of consequence depending on the attitude of the perpetrator but even the most remorseful attitude doesn't take away the consequence completely. Yes consistency is definitely key. Though it almost goes without saying that just as important as bad consequences is finding opportunities to pat them on the back for making good decisions - no matter how small. They light up when they realize you appreciate something they did and clearly they need to feel this contrast in order for bad consequences to have an effect. Making sure there is no resentment brewing anywhere is important to me for the long term goal of producing healthy, responsible adults - I've found so far (granted we are only 6 years in) that we can overcome bad attitude with our daughter by talking about it until she truly understands why a bad consequence had to be given and why the rule was in place in the first place. We've so far been successful in getting her to put herself in our shoes and surprisingly its been very effective. Involving her in a real discussion by asking what she would do if she were us - "should we allow our kids to just beat each other up?" "What would you do if you were the parent?" Luckily she's a reasonable girl and honest - so she responds to this. The 3 year old doesn't seem to resent bad consequences, but then he seems not to care about consequences at all. Wait a minute... maybe that's his scheme! He gets us to believe he doesn't care and we eventually give up! Oooohhh the plot thickens...